I Hate You. A conversation.
Between parts of myself.
I have been sick for about five days. It snuck up on me like a shadow. Then one morning I had to face the pile of used tissues beside my bed and surrender to the obvious fact that I was sick.
It has turned my gaze inward, it has opened me to a different rhythm. The moon has opened her hard white face full as a daisy. While the nights dark, crisp and long have given her a center stage to dance upon.
During the days, I move, rest and turn my naked skin towards the high sun . I have dragged my weary body out to the desolate sand spit and lain amongst the salty driftwood, wrapped in my shawl, until I merged with the bliss of that sacred and lonely place.
Much has moved itself though me. In my solitary quiet slumber days. I finally got enough empty space to place my full attention on a reappearing “voice” that has been getting louder these days
“I hate you” it says.
This time I listened.
“Oh - why?”
“Because you never listen to me”
“I never listen to you”
“Yes, You always go ahead a do things that offend me, that make me appear useless, you do not listen to my warnings”.
“Oh, like what?”
“Remember that time I told you NOT to publish your writing, but you did not listen and you did it anyway”
Yes.
“Remember that time I told you not to let others see what you really think and feel about things, but you did not listen and you did it any way?
“yes”.
“remember that time I told you that your work is not yet good enough for people to pay you for it, that you should not ask for money for your writing, spaceholding or coaching, because you are not yet capable or good enough to offer this sort of thing professionally yet?”
“Yes”
“But you did not listen, you went ahead and did it anyway, then you decided to invent a creation house for women, without permission and without anyone explaining to you how to do it, I told you not to, that no one cared and you were wasting your energy, but you did not listen to me.
“Yes, I remember”.
“So, because of all that, I hate you’.
“oh”
“and I am going to go on hating you, until you start taking me seriously and listen to me.
“Ok, I am listening now, I want to take you seriously - tell me about yourself - who are you?”
“I don’t believe you, I think you are just being polite, then you will loose interest and go away - I do not think you really care about me’.
“Your right, I was a little distracted just then, I noticed the way the light reflects off the water, it goes all silver, it mesmerised me for a moment. Truly, I do want to know about you, Im super curious, you clearly have a lot to say and know me well, so I want to hear you, I want to hear about who YOU are, will you tell me?”
“Yes, if you promise one thing”
Ok, whats that?
That you do not try to change me.
Ok I promise, I just want to get to know you as you are.
“Im the part of you that got you here.
Here?
Yes, I got you out of childhood, through high school, into employment, I got you through all sorts of strange social situations. I got you out of alot of them too. I am the one that keeps you in the straight and narrow parametres of ‘acceptable’ that you I set up all those years ago to keep you safe.
You need to be more specific, I sort of get it - but not quite.
“I read the environment you where born into, I read all those millions of social cues that where flying like wild fire around you as you innocently tottered about in nappies, putting strange things in your mouth, falling into all sorts of weird places. I continued to read, then categorise, then programme you with all the important social cues from your parents, sister, friends, mentors and people you encountered for only a few moments, as you grew into a school aged girl then into a teenager. I placed it all in you as a massive computerised system of navigation for the big wide world. I am sort of the interface between you and this huge, volatile and fluid world. Needless to say with out me, YOU would not be here.
I see, you are sort of like my navigation system.
Yes, I am your navigation system. It worked really well, we got along well, when things got a bit much for you or when you where totally at a lose, I took over, I handled the conversation, the direction, your choices, your energy. I got to feed everything to you, and if I am totally honest, I think I have done an amazing job. I got you out of some very sticky situations. I mean remember the sheep in the well? Being yelled at by your teacher? that time you ran out of money? or when you started 10 different schools as a kid? or the time you had to function through a 15 hour shift of being a good nurse? well, with out me - you would probably be in prison, or living under a bridge, or in a mental institute.
Yes, I do remember al those things and I hear that your role has been INCREDIABLY important. Which is why you hate me, when I don’t listen to you.
Precisely.
So, what is is that you are protecting me from exactly?
I am protecting YOU from making decisions that put my enormous catalogue of imperative information at risk of becoming obsolete. For example, when you become scared, I pull out this amazing manual I have been working on for 30 years on AVOIDING failure, which includes smart tips on not doing things you do no already know how to do. Also making sure you are perfect before trying anything. Checking that you will be accepted by a powerful outside figure before you leap into carrying out any actions. And this other clever little installation (from around 2005, if I remember correctly) that ensures you NEVER tell anyone about your plans or goals incase you do not fulfil them and risk being seen as a failure.
Ah, thank you, this is getting clearer to me know, so it is YOU that handles my fear by attempting perfectionism and makes sure I am never seen as a failure, by the outside world.
YES!
Um, thank you.
You’re welcome, I am proud of all the ways I have ensured this programme has continued to be followed.
such as?
Making sure you quit things before you risk failing, making sure you forget your dreams, keeping you silent so that you do not risk other people knowing about your impending failures. Then the particularly clever hack I devised in about 2007 for any project you care about to be destroyed and sabotaged by you before they appear imperfectly in the world.
hmmm, I guess thank you again.
So, lately, after all these years of faithful service, YOU have stopped listening to me. I have NOT the slightest idea of what it is you hope to achieve by IGNORING ME, but from my calculations. speculations and approximations based on past experience, IGNORING me is a very dangerous thing indeed. I might die, which means you in turn might die.
Wow, thank you for everything you have done and thank you for your honesty with me. I get now how important your role has been and how me ignoring you has made you start hating me. I mean if both our lives are on the line, that is quite high stakes.
Yes.
I find you an interesting part to talk to, I will have more attention on you from now on. I want to know more of how you work, because you seem powerful. I do not hate you, did you know that?
“oh, no I did not.”
“I see you now, thats all. Before I could not, you and I were too entangled, I could not distinguish between me and you. Now it’s different, there is space between us, not much, but enough. I am glad you exist, and I am glad to know you exist.
Thank you, I am glad you exist too.
Thank you Millicent, for speaking what I feel sometimes. I love this piece very much.